Only Hope

The other day, I wrote about 'angst' and what I found so appealing about it. I was at work when a realization hit me. It wasn't necessarily about angst but more about crushes and liking someone. I suddenly realized what it was about crushes that keeps me hanging on. It's not really the angst or the agony of wondering if he might like me back. It's not the butterflies, tingles, or smiles. Although those are really nice and I enjoy them in the midst of a crush.

I think, for me anyway, it's more of the hope that I find in a crush. Despite the fact that most crushes are unrequited and they completely defy reality, I always seem to find hope within a crush. What kind of hope, you may ask?

It's the hope that one of these days he's going to defy all of the realistic boundaries that exist in a (one-sided) crush and make a move. That's the hope that keeps me hanging on far longer than I should. As I get older, I've learned to talk my head out of falling for him- whoever he may be. But, ever steady within my head/ heart, is the hope that he'll totally take me by surprise and make a move.

He may not even give me the slightest attention but one day, maybe he'll come up to me and make a move. Of course, in true Hollywood fashion, that one conversation starts us down the road to bliss and happily ever afters. Sigh.

I don't have to always be realistic and on slow days I actually let myself daydream about it. All you realist don't need to worry too much. I've learned to steel my heart against disappointment. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and stupid boys and their stupid ways of making me attracted to them. Wistful sigh.

One day, we all get our 'happily ever after'. It's the waiting part that often times brings the most pain and the most growth. Crushes are definitely a growing pain, especially for me. But the best part about growing pains is the feeling of growth and knowledge afterward. It's part of life. I'll keep having hope while being level headed about it. That's the smartest thing I can do. Right?

Have an Attitude of Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving out there. Because this is the holiday to share all that we're thankful for I thought it'd be a good post to briefly share what I'm thankful for. I have a lot to be thankful for but I'm not going to sit here and list everything. I'm just going to share the things that, at this point in my life, I'm most grateful for.

I'm so thankful for my family. I had the opportunity to spend a night at a friend's house and interact with her family. They're a nice family and they were extremely kind to me but it made me miss my family. I am so blessed with my family. I have parents who love me and they help me out and give me more than I deserve. They're always there to offer me encouragement and love. Thanks Mom and Dad. I also have four brothers who I love and I'm so glad to have them as my brothers. They help and encourage me. They make me laugh and we have a good time sparring with each other. And my two sisters-in-law give me girl advice that I never got when  I was younger, due to a lack of a sister. I have a pretty great family. We may be different and weird and sarcastic, but we love each other and we'd do just about anything for each other.

I'm glad to have the friends and roommates I do. They are great examples to me and they put up with me all the time. I'm thankful that they are in my life to help me grow and become a better, more compassionate, more intelligent person. Thanks guys!

My jobs. I'm glad I have two jobs to help give me a steady source of income. I may not have a lot but I have enough to keep me fed and to provide me with decent clothing. Another thanks to my parents for teaching me the value of hard work and keeping a steady job. I'm thankful that I am able to provide myself  because I work hard to do so.

I'm also thankful to my parents for instilling within me the desire to get an education. I know my life would be drastically different if I weren't in the process of getting a bachelor's. I'm also thankful that I have the opportunity to get an education without going into debt.

I'm grateful for my five senses. (Sure, a couple are kind of messed up but they still work well enough.) I'm so grateful that I am able to experience the things in this world with almost full capacity. I also have to be grateful that I can hear music and read books. That I can taste food, touch snow, and smell flowers (and baked goods).

I'm just so grateful for what I have in this world. I am an extremely blessed individual. I forget that and take it for granted far too often. I should learn to better have an Attitude of Gratitude. There are many more things I could list but I think this gives a glimpse at what I'm most thankful for at this moment in time.

Have a great holiday and an extremely Happy Thanksgiving. 

The Angst of it all

I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part one today. I've never been a huge fan of the Harry Potter movies; I love the books but I just haven't really been impressed by the movies. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, in my mind, Harry Potter should be attractive. But that's not what this is about. I was driving home from the movie theater when it hit me. My favorite part about the movie was the angst between Ron and Hermoine. I enjoyed watching them try and hide their attraction and how much they meant to each other. It totally made the movie for me.

"Angst" to me is that unresolved tension that comes when two people like each other or are attracted to each other but don't tell the other person. Or they just aren't "together". And that got me thinking about other shows I enjoy and the angst in them.

Take BONES for example. I don't think I'd still be watching it if I didn't have the angst and unresolved sexual tension between the two main characters, Booth and Brennan.The show is interesting in and of itself, but without the tension between them it's just not the same.

It's the same for movies. I recently watched the Prince of Persia and I found myself drawn into the dynamics of the relationship between Dastan and the princess (whose name I have forgotten). They fight and bicker and yet, I know. They like each other. And I like that they like each other. I think that's one of my favorite things, I like that they like each other.

So, if you have any suggestions of shows or movies that have my kind of "angst" feel free to send suggestions my way. I'll be waiting.

Been awhile

Wow, it's been ages since I've written on here. Weird, this is usually how I start my journal entries. Ha ha. Well my life has been a complete madhouse. Even now, I'm putting off something that I should be doing but it's been forever and I just wanted to write.

Have you ever had that moment where you stood back and realized that, despite your nutso schedule, you have a ton of awesome experiences happening? That's me right now. I'm in school, working for the university getting experience for my resume. I'm one semester closer to my degree and making friends in my major. I'm working on some personal writing with some friends- if I can just get the time and motivation to keep going. I have an awesome opportunity to meet friends who share my love for BONES through Twitter and Bones Theory. So, all in all, my life is going well. Not to say that it's smooth sailing. I'm feeling stress already but it's nice to just put it down on paper. I'm truly blessed.

Add to it, the slight crush that makes my 'day' job so much more interesting. He gives me butterflies even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize that I exist. It's a love/hate relationship between my heart and my brain. My heart says that it's worth it and my brain says that it doesn't mean anything when he looks at me like that. It's pretty much how life goes, right?