Only Hope

The other day, I wrote about 'angst' and what I found so appealing about it. I was at work when a realization hit me. It wasn't necessarily about angst but more about crushes and liking someone. I suddenly realized what it was about crushes that keeps me hanging on. It's not really the angst or the agony of wondering if he might like me back. It's not the butterflies, tingles, or smiles. Although those are really nice and I enjoy them in the midst of a crush.

I think, for me anyway, it's more of the hope that I find in a crush. Despite the fact that most crushes are unrequited and they completely defy reality, I always seem to find hope within a crush. What kind of hope, you may ask?

It's the hope that one of these days he's going to defy all of the realistic boundaries that exist in a (one-sided) crush and make a move. That's the hope that keeps me hanging on far longer than I should. As I get older, I've learned to talk my head out of falling for him- whoever he may be. But, ever steady within my head/ heart, is the hope that he'll totally take me by surprise and make a move.

He may not even give me the slightest attention but one day, maybe he'll come up to me and make a move. Of course, in true Hollywood fashion, that one conversation starts us down the road to bliss and happily ever afters. Sigh.

I don't have to always be realistic and on slow days I actually let myself daydream about it. All you realist don't need to worry too much. I've learned to steel my heart against disappointment. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and stupid boys and their stupid ways of making me attracted to them. Wistful sigh.

One day, we all get our 'happily ever after'. It's the waiting part that often times brings the most pain and the most growth. Crushes are definitely a growing pain, especially for me. But the best part about growing pains is the feeling of growth and knowledge afterward. It's part of life. I'll keep having hope while being level headed about it. That's the smartest thing I can do. Right?