Thursday, December 30, 2010

Operation Get Some Style

I'm a jeans and a tee shirt kind of girl. Usually, my hair is pulled up in a ponytail and I have sneakers on my feet. I don't have a real style. I don't have something that shows my personality very well. It's just blah tee shirts and blah jeans. I think my sneakers show my personality the best because I usually have these colorful shoes that catch attention. But I need more than just shows to show who I am as a person. You may be saying 'people shouldn't judge you by your clothes' but we all know that we judge even when we don't mean to. It's just human nature. So anyway, I'm just saying that my style (or lack thereof) is pretty casual and low key.

I've always said that I have the potential to be stylish. So my goal is to find my style and get out of my jeans-and-a-tee-shirt slump. It's quite coincidental that my new goal happens to be set around the New Year but I'm not one for making new year resolutions because they tend to be bogus. This is just a goal that I've set recently. I'm going to find my style. It'll be like a make over of sorts. One that isn't drastic and happens gradually over the course of a few months.

This operation (Operation Get Some Style) is a process for me to feel good about myself. I want to feel pretty and stylish. I want to feel like I've put effort in to make myself feel good. I want to feel confident with myself and to know that I look good. As I write this, I'm struggle to not care what people think of what I look like but that is nearly impossible. I'm not saying that what people think is the most important thing for me, but it does play a small part (unfortunately). People make judgments and I want my first impressions on them to be positive and good. But essentially this is about me feeling good about myself. SIDENOTE: I'm also two semesters away from graduation. I should probably look into finding a more adult, more professional wardrobe for that fateful day when I get a 'real' job.

Now I just need to figure out what my style is. Hmm...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Plastic versus Glass

I was packing my dishes the other day when I remembered how much I prefer to drink my water out of a glass. Thus I was prompted to write a post about how much I really do prefer glass to plastic. For me, plastic retains the flavor of anything that is not water. So if you have soda, kool-aid, or milk, even if you wash it with soap, it retains the flavor. Blech. In contrast, glasses don't retain the flavor of past beverages. And when you drink water out of a glass it just tastes better. I'm not really sure what it is about glass that makes a beverage taste better but it really does.

When it comes down to plastic or glass, I'll choose glass.

That's all.

Friday, December 10, 2010

My name is... and I'm a dork

I'm a dork. Like a huge dork. You can ask anyone who knows me really well. I'm a total and complete dorkface. Shall we look at the evidence?

I love to color. Five year olds love to color. Why does a grown woman... girl... person love to color so much? Unfortunately, this semester I haven't really colored much. Maybe that's why I've felt stressed and out of sorts for some of it. Hmm... My mom was awesome and gave me more crayons last night. I can't wait to use them but I'm trying to be an adult and do all my homework before I color. How much do I love to color, you may ask.Well the giant box of like 112 crayons (not including the ones I got last night) and the five coloring books I own are evidence enough.

I love to read dorky, corny romance novels. I have this author that I just LOVE. She write these awesome books about the extremely awesome men that would never actually exist in real life. It doesn't take much for one of her books to send my grinning and giggling. These are books that I really can't read in public. They have to be read in the privacy of my home... preferably in my room. I don't want people asking me what I'm smiling about. They wouldn't understand.

I love TV. I'm pretty sure this is something I get from my dad. I just love watching TV. I like stories and TV is full of stories. I'm particularly obsessed with BONES. I'm sure my family gets sick of me talking about BONES. I actually just need the second season and then VIOLA!! I'll have all five seasons that are currently on DVD. Yeah, that's how much I love TV. I have seasons of shows I love on DVD. I love TV.

Sometimes I still have the urge to play Barbies. I have TONS of Barbies in my parents' attic. After I initially put them there, I would sometimes pull them out and play with them... by myself. I'm sort of a closet Barbie fan. I mean, I'm a grown woman... girl.... person. I shouldn't have the urge to buy a Barbie, rip open the package, and just brush her hair. I'm usually good at stifling this urge but when Christmastime comes around I really want to buy myself a Barbie just for Christmas. I often got a Barbie for Christmas. Until I became to 'old' to play with Barbies anymore. Just talking about it makes me want to run to Wal-mart and buy a Barbie. I'm pretty sure my roommates would think I was a total dork. Probably shouldn't do it.

I went and saw Tangled with my friend on Tuesday. I absolutely LOVED it! Now I kind of want a Tangled Barbie. But shh! Don't tell anyone. It might freak them out. I just want to attach the extra hair that comes with it! I mean it looks so cool. Maybe I should start 'collecting' Barbies. Oh... look at that. I'm talking about Barbies again. Oops. About Tangled... I loved it. I thought it was a super cute movie and that the actors did a great job with the voices. I'm totally going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

This leads me to my next dorkiness thing. I love movies. I think I also get this from my dad. I don't know what it is about movies that I just love to watch. I guess it goes back to the story thing. I love watching a story and seeing how characters act and what drives them. Maybe it has something to do with my imagination too. I lose the reality of life and get sucked into the story playing on the screen. There's something... magical about movies. Something that just captivates me. I love them.

Well... I've briefly explored some aspects that make me so dorky. Oh, believe me. There are tons more that I could say. But I'm feeling plenty dorked out at the moment. I'll just end here with one challenge for you, whoever you may be. What makes you dorky? Think about it.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Tales from an Invisible Girl

I helped my mom write her Christmas card letter tonight. She went through the kids and listed what they accomplished or did this last year. My sentence said something to the effect of "...has two jobs and has one more year of school." Okay, Mom was a little more eloquent than that but I really did only have one sentence saying what I had done. I looked over my siblings paragraphs. (Yeah, they had paragraphs.) There were houses bought and graduations that took place. Things were done. Lives were lived.

And then there was me.

Just school and work. No major accomplishments. No activities that happened in the past year. Nothing. And Mom tried. She tried to make me more exciting. She tried to shine a light on me. She even asked me for something more to add. What do I have to add? Nothing. I'm the girl who had nothing to add to my one sentence in the family Christmas card letter.

I'm the invisible girl. The girl squished into family pictures between her two younger brothers. The girl who doesn't have a boyfriend. The girl who doesn't have a social agenda. The girl who.... is invisible. Normally, I don't feel so bad when I think about my life. But tonight, I'm feeling more thoughtful. More pensive.

I know I'm truly not invisible. I have a family who loves me I have some great friends who love me. I have... people who would miss me if I was on "Without a Trace" or if my bones were found in a tree. I'm loved. I'm cared for. I'm in the family pictures. I see my family regularly. I express my love for them. We tease and joke and talk.

But tonight I feel invisible....

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Only Hope

The other day, I wrote about 'angst' and what I found so appealing about it. I was at work when a realization hit me. It wasn't necessarily about angst but more about crushes and liking someone. I suddenly realized what it was about crushes that keeps me hanging on. It's not really the angst or the agony of wondering if he might like me back. It's not the butterflies, tingles, or smiles. Although those are really nice and I enjoy them in the midst of a crush.

I think, for me anyway, it's more of the hope that I find in a crush. Despite the fact that most crushes are unrequited and they completely defy reality, I always seem to find hope within a crush. What kind of hope, you may ask?

It's the hope that one of these days he's going to defy all of the realistic boundaries that exist in a (one-sided) crush and make a move. That's the hope that keeps me hanging on far longer than I should. As I get older, I've learned to talk my head out of falling for him- whoever he may be. But, ever steady within my head/ heart, is the hope that he'll totally take me by surprise and make a move.

He may not even give me the slightest attention but one day, maybe he'll come up to me and make a move. Of course, in true Hollywood fashion, that one conversation starts us down the road to bliss and happily ever afters. Sigh.

I don't have to always be realistic and on slow days I actually let myself daydream about it. All you realist don't need to worry too much. I've learned to steel my heart against disappointment. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart and stupid boys and their stupid ways of making me attracted to them. Wistful sigh.

One day, we all get our 'happily ever after'. It's the waiting part that often times brings the most pain and the most growth. Crushes are definitely a growing pain, especially for me. But the best part about growing pains is the feeling of growth and knowledge afterward. It's part of life. I'll keep having hope while being level headed about it. That's the smartest thing I can do. Right?

Have an Attitude of Gratitude

Happy Thanksgiving out there. Because this is the holiday to share all that we're thankful for I thought it'd be a good post to briefly share what I'm thankful for. I have a lot to be thankful for but I'm not going to sit here and list everything. I'm just going to share the things that, at this point in my life, I'm most grateful for.

I'm so thankful for my family. I had the opportunity to spend a night at a friend's house and interact with her family. They're a nice family and they were extremely kind to me but it made me miss my family. I am so blessed with my family. I have parents who love me and they help me out and give me more than I deserve. They're always there to offer me encouragement and love. Thanks Mom and Dad. I also have four brothers who I love and I'm so glad to have them as my brothers. They help and encourage me. They make me laugh and we have a good time sparring with each other. And my two sisters-in-law give me girl advice that I never got when  I was younger, due to a lack of a sister. I have a pretty great family. We may be different and weird and sarcastic, but we love each other and we'd do just about anything for each other.

I'm glad to have the friends and roommates I do. They are great examples to me and they put up with me all the time. I'm thankful that they are in my life to help me grow and become a better, more compassionate, more intelligent person. Thanks guys!

My jobs. I'm glad I have two jobs to help give me a steady source of income. I may not have a lot but I have enough to keep me fed and to provide me with decent clothing. Another thanks to my parents for teaching me the value of hard work and keeping a steady job. I'm thankful that I am able to provide myself  because I work hard to do so.

I'm also thankful to my parents for instilling within me the desire to get an education. I know my life would be drastically different if I weren't in the process of getting a bachelor's. I'm also thankful that I have the opportunity to get an education without going into debt.

I'm grateful for my five senses. (Sure, a couple are kind of messed up but they still work well enough.) I'm so grateful that I am able to experience the things in this world with almost full capacity. I also have to be grateful that I can hear music and read books. That I can taste food, touch snow, and smell flowers (and baked goods).

I'm just so grateful for what I have in this world. I am an extremely blessed individual. I forget that and take it for granted far too often. I should learn to better have an Attitude of Gratitude. There are many more things I could list but I think this gives a glimpse at what I'm most thankful for at this moment in time.

Have a great holiday and an extremely Happy Thanksgiving. 

Saturday, November 20, 2010

The Angst of it all

I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part one today. I've never been a huge fan of the Harry Potter movies; I love the books but I just haven't really been impressed by the movies. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that, in my mind, Harry Potter should be attractive. But that's not what this is about. I was driving home from the movie theater when it hit me. My favorite part about the movie was the angst between Ron and Hermoine. I enjoyed watching them try and hide their attraction and how much they meant to each other. It totally made the movie for me.

"Angst" to me is that unresolved tension that comes when two people like each other or are attracted to each other but don't tell the other person. Or they just aren't "together". And that got me thinking about other shows I enjoy and the angst in them.

Take BONES for example. I don't think I'd still be watching it if I didn't have the angst and unresolved sexual tension between the two main characters, Booth and Brennan.The show is interesting in and of itself, but without the tension between them it's just not the same.

It's the same for movies. I recently watched the Prince of Persia and I found myself drawn into the dynamics of the relationship between Dastan and the princess (whose name I have forgotten). They fight and bicker and yet, I know. They like each other. And I like that they like each other. I think that's one of my favorite things, I like that they like each other.

So, if you have any suggestions of shows or movies that have my kind of "angst" feel free to send suggestions my way. I'll be waiting.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Been awhile

Wow, it's been ages since I've written on here. Weird, this is usually how I start my journal entries. Ha ha. Well my life has been a complete madhouse. Even now, I'm putting off something that I should be doing but it's been forever and I just wanted to write.

Have you ever had that moment where you stood back and realized that, despite your nutso schedule, you have a ton of awesome experiences happening? That's me right now. I'm in school, working for the university getting experience for my resume. I'm one semester closer to my degree and making friends in my major. I'm working on some personal writing with some friends- if I can just get the time and motivation to keep going. I have an awesome opportunity to meet friends who share my love for BONES through Twitter and Bones Theory. So, all in all, my life is going well. Not to say that it's smooth sailing. I'm feeling stress already but it's nice to just put it down on paper. I'm truly blessed.

Add to it, the slight crush that makes my 'day' job so much more interesting. He gives me butterflies even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't realize that I exist. It's a love/hate relationship between my heart and my brain. My heart says that it's worth it and my brain says that it doesn't mean anything when he looks at me like that. It's pretty much how life goes, right?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I have confidence in confidence alone!

If you're an awesome person, you can see Maria, from The Sound of Music, running down the dirt street just outside the Von Trapp house with her guitar and carpet bag. She's belting this song out in an attempt to build up her courage. It's a very poignant moment if you ask me. I mean, here is this young almost-nun out of the abbey for the first time to take care of seven young children. She young and scared. (I totally know how she feels.) By the way, if you didn't have this scene pop up in your head then maybe you're not that awesome of a person...  Just something to think about.

Okay, despite the title, I really don't have confidence. These last couple of weeks I've had several people tell me that I need to have confidence in myself. Well here it is: I don't have confidence in myself. I struggle to ever pretend that  I have confidence. I mean, how does one go about gaining confidence anyway.

My mom (who is awesome and wonderful and smarter than she thinks) told me, after I had a minor melt down over a new technical writing job, that I should have confidence in myself and my writing skill. In the midst of my breakdown, which in comes in the form of tears and sobbing and messiness, I admitted that I don't have confidence. She told me that I got that from her. Uh, I didn't know lacking confidence was hereditary but okay, whatev. 

I never realized how scary real life is. And how hard it is. I have this project and I just can't seem to make any headway on it. I don't know if it's the subject matter or the actually requirements but it is really hard for me. I try to focus and do what I need to but it doesn't seem to be effective. Maybe, in school, I've gotten so used to just sliding by and now I don't know how to do real, good work. 

Maybe I'm just not that great of a writer. See? I think I'm the one that makes me not have confidence. I second guess everything that I do. I second guess what other people might think or say. I second guess life. Thus, the lack of confidence.

How do I make it in the real world? How do I be an adult? How do I get rid of this sinking feeling in my gut every time I work on this project? Anyone have any answers for me?

Saturday, October 23, 2010

"Thanks for the gum"

Earlier today I was researching (reading a blog I absolutely love) when I stumbled upon something that I had forgotten. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a huge Bones fan. Something was mentioned about an episode in the third season where Booth and Brennan kiss. After the kiss, the pair is rather... befuddle (probably from the rather intimate kiss they just shared). As they both stumble away Booth pulls out a piece of  gum that he didn't originally have in his mouth... if you get my meaning. He mumbles "Thanks for the gum." and then walks away.

This is where I'm going with this. Someday, I want to be kissed like that. Kissed so good  that I can say "thanks for the gum". I guess that's my SQUEE moment of the day; a kiss so good that I'm stunned by how stunned I am when we pull apart.

Monday, October 18, 2010

From daydreams to fiction

I drove home from my parents' house last night, just singing along with the radio, minding my own business. Suddenly, I started to daydream. I daydream all the time (at school, work, driving, and at home). My mind wandered back to earlier in the day. I saw a guy that I grew up with that's been gone for two years. Oh boy! He has grown up into something else. Very attractive (Sigh) All he did was say hi to me and go on his merry way. For some reason, those two words "Hi Nikki" (Side note: he calls me Nikki because that's what I was called when I was growing up.) spurred up the oddest sensation in my stomach. I took a deep breath to shake it off.

Well, a little over an hour later I see him again. Once again, "Hi Nikki" and my hands start shaking. I say hi and then bye as I try to pretend that he doesn't affect me. I hurry away, too bent on getting away before I do something stupid and try to flirt with him. I get home and I look down. My hands are shaking and I have weird knots in my stomach. I know this reaction. I get this reaction when I'm attracted to a guy but I'm simultaneously scared that he knows I'm attracted to him. When I was a teenager, and completely scared of boys, I used to get this reaction around just about any guy I wasn't related to.

Back to driving home, I start to daydream about the what ifs that fill up life. What if he can tell that I'm attracted to him? What if he suddenly (by some random miracle) finds me attractive now that we're grown up? What if... Suddenly, as if on autopilot, I switch the what ifs and the images of him asking me out to a current piece of fiction I'm working on. Now my characters are living out my daydreams. The main character is now me and the guy in the story is this guy. They get to live out life while I daydream about it.

My realization as I drove home is this: In order to protect myself from disappointment I project my daydreams into fiction. That way, my extremely unrealistic daydreams get life somewhere and I don't have to feel the sting of hurt and disappointment when someone doesn't act that way I hope they will. I'm not sure if this is really healthy or not but at this point I don't feel like I have much of a choice. I think it's safe to say that my daydreams will most likely end up in my stories. So if you want to know what's going on in my head... read my stories.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I can't pretend though I tried to hide, I like you...

You know that feeling where your breath catches in your chest and your heart starts to pick up tempo? Suddenly your cheeks start to feel overheated but you're not sure if you're blushing or not. All rational thought leaves your brain and any attempts to be witty are lost in your stuttering.

Even now the thought makes my breath catch in my chest. How do you deal when you have a crush? Specially with someone you may or may not work with? The nervousness that comes out of nowhere. Weeks ago, just seeing him wouldn't have done anything. Now, the mere sight of him causes reactions that I try to hide.

Now, whenever I walk into [a place] I can't help but look around. Is he here? Then I catch sight and a flutter of butterflies in my stomach stir up. I try to pretend that I haven't seen him, that I haven't been looking for him. I swallow down the joy that leaps within me. Just seeing him makes me happy, fills me with gladness. Then I scold myself. What am I thinking? We barely know each other. He doesn't care.

Then he talks to me. I try to hide it again by being casual. Cool. I smile at his story. Make a little comment. All the while my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking, and my breathing is hitched. How can I keep it hidden? Every time he's near me it comes back. How do I act naturally around him? How do I keep it a secret from him and the rest of the world?

And then I wonder... does he think of me the way I think of him? Does he even realize that I exist? Is he as aware of me as I am of him? When I accidentally find myself watching for him and I catch his eye, what is he thinking? Am I completely nuts? Am I a stalker?

Suddenly I feel like I'm in Taylor Swift song. She does have a way of describing the feelings and process so it sounds catchier than it is. I guess, after my ranting and confusion, I'll leave with this from Colbie Caillat:
I think my heart skipped a beat. I'm standing here and I can hardly breathe. You got me. Yeah, you got me.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The approach of fall

I like it hot! I like to know that I don't have to put on a jacket as soon as I get out of bed. I like to know that the only time I'm going to be cold is in the freezer section of Maceys.

Unfortunately for me, I live in Northern Utah. It's only hot for like a month and then it starts going downhill and I start freezing. I'm that kind of person that ends up wearing a jacket for most of the year. Which accounts for the fact that my poor Aeropostale hoodie is barely hanging on by a thread. Maybe I should consider a couple of jackets; that way I can rotate them and then they won't end up in such a sad state.

Anyway, the sad state of my hoodie is not the point of this post. The point is that the "approach" of "fall" is really not very fun. For me anyway. I have nothing against fall. I kind of like it. It creates nostalgia in me... in a good way. Makes me think of being a little kid again, walking home from school and kicking leaves as I walk. Ah, good times.

I just don't "appreciate" how rapidly it has come upon us. One minute it was in the 80s and the next thing I know I'm freezing as I walk out into the afternoon. I hate going outside in the afternoon and not feeling the warmth of the sun graze my skin (which is hidden by my hoodie because it's cold).

So, winter is approaching. Guess it's time to accept that warm days are over and begin preparing for winter. Wish me luck.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Fiction: My life

I have a vast imagination. Sometimes my imagination gets in the way of real life. Who am I kidding?  I don't feel like a have much of a life. I go to school and work. Occasionally I hang out with a couple of friends or with roommates. I'm just not very... lifey.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish my life was more like fiction. Like a book or a movie. One where I'm living my normal life and then WHAM! Suddenly something happens and my life is thrown into some kind of whirlwind. An adventure or an unexpected (but good) event happens. I go through a storyline and then it's happy ending for me.

Unfortunately, life doesn't happen like that. I'm stuck living out a different, more adventurous, more exciting life in my head. I don't have the personality to make adventure. I let other people have adventure. I am merely a spectator.

So my life isn't fiction. Far from it. It's very ordinary. Very dull. Very predictable. I think that's why I write. I write to bring adventure and fiction and unexpectedness into my life. Maybe someday I'll bring it to someone else's life too, if I can ever finish and maybe publish a book.

Maybe someday....

Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Tale of Two Bananas

I had to go grocery shopping after work on Friday night. First off, Friday was the first day of the roughest weekend I've had in a long time. At the time I was in relatively good spirits so we'll leave it at that.
Anyway, I'm just walking around the produce section with my newfound desire to eat more healthy. I remembered that bananas were on sale for $0.38 a pound. I like bananas so I figured I'd get some. 
So I picked up a smaller bundle thinking I wasn't going to eat that much. After figuring out the price I realized that if bananas were so cheap, I might as well just get some more. I put the first bundle down and grabbed a bigger, greener bundle of bananas. I placed them on the scale and figured out the cost and went on my merry little way. 
I got home some time later and started putting my groceries away. That's when I noticed they were missing.  Did I leave them in the cart? Were they still at the store? 
I pulled out my receipt and glanced over it.  I didn't even buy them. What did I do with those bananas? 
It hit me. I'd left them sitting on the scale in the produce section! Now I have no bananas. That's why you don't go grocery shopping at 11:30 at night. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

One moment...

I was working tonight when a little boy, okay so he was like 9 but that's not the point, was goofing around with his older brother and hit the back of his head in the Zone. I was bagging the groceries for him mom when he came up with blood streaming down the back of his neck. He had a gash in the back of his head. I immediately felt an adrenaline rush and called my manager over to take care of the problem.

My heart was pounding in my chest and my hands were shaking. I tried to stay calm and I did everything that I was expected to do. But even afterwards my hands were still shaking, I almost wondered if I might faint. Now, the sight of blood doesn't make me squeemish but something about where the wound was just took me to another time and place.

Suddenly I could see myself nine years old barefoot in long pants, running the short block to the church house. My mom had just recently been put in the Young Women's and I think my dad was involved with scouts or something like that. It was just me and my two younger brothers, who were six and three at the time, left at home.
We were watching Mary Poppins. I've only seen Mary Poppins once since that day. Landon, the three year old, and Logan, the six year old, were goofing around. I think I was just hanging out in the chair enjoying my newfound 'adulthood'. I think this was the first time I'd ever actually babysat my younger brothers. Mom was only at the church.

Landon bounced from the edge of the couch onto a metal pot which held a large house plant. Most of the details are a blur. I remember seeing blood on the back of Landon's shirt and my blood started racing. What was I supposed to do? Apparently, there is only one thing to do. I left my six year old brother with my three year old brother who had a bleeding head wound, and ran to the church. I think I was panting and half sobbing when I found my mom.

There is more blur. Mom ran home, tried to take care of it herself. Lost her keys in our bathroom. Found a ride to Aunt Diana's house, which was just past the church, got Aunt Diana to take us to the emergency room.  Me and Logan sat and waited in the waiting room. Mom found her keys in the sink in our bathroom, when we returned home with a newly stitched up Landon.

The part I remember most: Running to the church. I had no shoes on. I was crying. I'd left my SIX year old brother there because I didn't know what else to do. This was the day before Cell phones were really that common. I remember the relief I felt as I walked home, my mom running in front of me to get to my little brother. My little brother that I should have been watching better so he wouldn't have got hurt.
All it takes is one little moment to bring back an old memory. It's been 12 years. But some of the details from that day are so clear. One little moment...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Feels like an uphill battle

I'm trying to sell my contract for my apartment. I really didn't think it would be so hard. I thought there would be enough people that would jump on the chance to get a decent apartment. I've had two people contact me. I guess my biggest problem is that I am impatient. I want it to be sold. And now! In all honesty, there is no big hurry for me to move out. My rent is almost all paid for the year and my roommates are really quite nice. I just don't want to wait anymore!!

I've posted my info everywhere. Campus- the TSC and the Institute,, The Statesman online, Craigslist,, Facebook Marketplace, and just on my status! Only two people have gotten back to me and it was from Craigslist. I think I lost the one girl after I told her that there isn't a washer and dryer in the apartment.

The other girl is... well very interesting from what I can tell. She'd from Finland and she is a "young professional". I don't think she understands what exactly I'm offering. And because her grasp of English is very... limited (she's apparantly lived here for 13 years) it's very hard to make her understand. At first she thought she was moving in with me. I think she now understands that I'm moving and she's taking my place and that she's moving into a furnished apartment with three other girls, who are students. I feel bad about foisting a foreign roommate on my current roommates. But student housing is a crap-shoot. Unless you have all your roommates picked out before hand you don't really know what you're going to get.

Whew, now that I have that all out. Maybe I can breathe. I'm really hoping that something works out. Whether with this Finnish girl or with someone else. I'm ready to move on. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

When I grow up

I'm going into my fourth year here at USU and as I get closer to graduation the more I get asked about my future plans. First off, I don't think it's really anyone's business what my plans are. But usually I humor them by telling them something. Usually it's along the lines of me saying that I'm thinking about editing. Well I've only been in my editing class for a week and I already know that I don't think I'd enjoy it, at least not professionally.

All I want to do is be a librarian. I want to be surrounded by books and the Dewey Decimal system. I don't want to be a copy-editor. I don't want to layout magazines. I don't want to create/design websites. I just want to be... Marian the Librarian.

I feel like I'm only going through these classes to get a degree. I don't even really want to use the degree. I recognize that the skills I get will certainly be helpful to me as I go out into the world. I just hate when my professors say that when I'm an editor or when I'm a technical writer I'm going to do this or my boss in going to have me do that. Blah blah blah. I don't want to do that.

When I first started in the program I really thought that I would use the degree and get a job in that field. But as I've gone along I find that I don't really enjoy it. I do enjoy using Illustrator and Photoshop to create documents. And I enjoy creating documents. But to do it professionally... not so much. I want to write fiction. I think I'm good at that.

So in conclusion; I want to be a librarian and write my fiction. Is that too much to ask?

Monday, September 6, 2010


I was watching a show with my dad last night on the History channel. It was the most redneck show I think I've ever seen. It was about guys in Louisiana who hunt alligators. That should be all the explanation you need. They would talk and every heavily accented word they said just confirmed their Redneckiness.

You know that part in Napoleon Dynamite where that old farmer is talking when Napoleon goes to work at the chicken farm? Well imagine something similar to that. As my brother pointed out, they had a tendency to not finish their words.

Now, I have nothing against rednecks being that I'm practically half redneck myself, on my dad's side. It was just such an obvious display of redneck tendencies. Thank goodness I can tamp down those urges. Ha ha ha.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I can't finish my story. Well I can't finish any of my stories. I don't know if I have what it takes to be a writer. Shouldn't I be able to finish? At least one? I get to a point where I don't know what to do. What is my problem?

Monday, August 16, 2010

My oh so exciting life

I went on a blind date a couple of weekends ago. For me, dating has always been super awkward. I just don't do well with new people and my over-active imagination doesn't necessarily help. Anyway, on this date I came to the conclusion that I am an extremely dull person.

My evidence: when asked questions of what I like to do, my answers are reading, writing, and watching movies. When asked what sports I like to play/watch, my answers are none. I have not athletic ability. I'm afraid of getting hit in the head with balls. When asked what my favorite kinds of movies were, my answers were chick flicks and kid movies. Books: romance mostly, not really into literature.

I don't have a whole lot of interesting things about me. I don't have fun experiences. I'm not super smart. I'm not super active. I'm only mildly funny. I spend most of my time in my head. Or vegetating on my couch watching reruns of Bones and Criminal Minds. I'm practically a work-a-holic, mostly because I don't have anything better to do.

What do I have to offer to someone looking for any kind of relationship? The answer: not much. Unless they're looking for someone who can quote random movies and who reads dorky novels. I'm so super exciting. NOT.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

A fresh start

I had to start over. Well I had to start a new blog. I would still be using my old one if I could figure out how to change the email address that's attached to it. Unfortunately I wasn't successful. So here I am on a new blog. It's kind of exciting actually. It's like when you move into a new apartment or start a new class. It's a change. It's a chance to improve yourself. 

Hopefully it works. Hopefully, all those who followed me before will continue to follow me now. I like the feeling that someone out there cares about what I write. (That sounds rather selfish now that I think about it.) 

So here's to new beginnings and to a fresh start.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Bones: an explanation of my addiction

I've been on a real Bones kick this summer. Okay, so I've been on a real Bones kick pretty much since I've started watching it. Because of my obsession- no it's an addiction- no it's probably more than that. I think I'm a fanatic. Thankfully I don't think I've gone all the way down the road of fanatic-ism. I don't have posters all over my room and I don't participate in the chats about the show online. Oh, oh and I haven't ever made a youtube video either. So maybe it's more of me being at the fork in the road- between being fanatic and being addicted. Okay, now that I have justified my extremely unhealthy love for a piece of fiction let's share how I got started.

It had to be about three winters ago when I was first introduced to Bones. I'd heard about the show when it first came out in the fall of 2005, but at the time I was a junior in high school and not quite into criminal shows like I am now. I knew about David Boreanaz because of Angel, which I was fanatical about in middle school. But at the time I just wasn't interested. I figured it was too gory because of the TV-14 rating it had.

Suzanne (or Suzie to me) was the one that started it all. She was my roommate, my older, more experienced roommate. She was working at Hastings at the time so she had access to movies and tv shows on DVD. She was watching it one evening and I walked into the living room and started watching it with her. Thankfully she was watching the first season and she wasn't very far into it. I was hooked almost immediately.

The first two seasons were on DVD at this time so I was able to get caught up. But I think I missed the beginning of the third season. Then the writer's strike happened. I was very distraught, though I know Suzie didn't care as much as I did because she wasn't as fanatical about the show as I was. I made it through that rough patch and started watching the show religiously. Which is actually quite a sad comment on my life, or lack of one. This isn't even when I was as hooked as I am now.

I waited anxiously for the fall when I could start watching the fourth season. I think I got about seven episodes in and then I think my life got busier and I got turned off the show for some reason. Anyway, the point is is that I missed most of the fourth season. I had other things to occupy my time... I think.

I moved to a new apartment, got new roommates and had more time. I didn't feel like watching all the missed episodes and instead I watched the last two of the fourth season just so I'd be caught up enough to know what to expect in the fall with the fifth season. Let's just say that I got sucked back in. The fourth season finale had me back in the show. I waited anxiously for the fall.

I watched the fifth season on the internet every Friday. I didn't feel as fanatical about it as I do now. I guess because I was really only watching it once a week. Then I started watching the series over again once I got the first season "officially" on DVD. That's how Kaitlyn (my former roommate) got hooked.

Then I got Chelsea and Cammie (my current roommates) into it. And then I got my friend Makae at least marginally interested. My latest victim is another friend, Michelle. I'm like a virus. Or maybe I'm like Santa Claus- I keep spreading the joy. Ha ha.

So, if you think this is the last time you'll hear about Bones, you are sorely mistaken. I will try to limit what I say. I have actually been considering just starting another blog focus solely on just TV and movies. Because those are the things I love... next to books that is.

Until next time.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The clouds of Oblivion

I have this friend and she likes this guy. Unfortunately, the guy is totally and inexplicably oblivious to the fact that she likes him. The other day she decided to make a baked item for said guy. She texted him and asked when he'd be home so she could drop them off. She had informed him a little earlier that she was making him this specific treat so he would know that she was thinking of him.

Well she made plans for a specific drop off time and went on her merry little way. Then she gets a text from the fellow saying that he may or may not be going somewhere at the time she would be stopping by. He told her that she could just leave the on the table.

Naturally, she was a might distraught at the fact that the one main reason she was making the baked goods was to see this guy. And he, because he is an oblivious guy, didn't even get that. My friend rearranged her original plans so that she could deliver the food earlier. When she was ready she sent the guy a text to let him know that she was on her way. To which he promptly replied that he had just left for another destination. Talk about frustration and a little bit of disappointment. She delivered her stuff and returned home.

The moral of this story is oblivion. I kind of focused on the guy because well, sometimes I think guys are extremely oblivious. Or maybe girls just read too much into things. Or maybe me and my friend are just plain old crazies.

Why is it so hard to come out and simply say what we want to? And why are we all so oblivious to what is going on around us? Maybe we all need to take a minute to just sit back and take a good look at the big picture. And an even better look at the details we never seem to realize until after the fact.

Believe me, I know how it is to suddenly realize that I've been paying attention to only the big things. Maybe if I paid more attention to some of the little things I don't think about I won't feel so... dense? Or oblivious? Like missed something that would have helped me to grow or at least get myself out before I made myself look like an idiot.

Beware the clouds of Oblivion. Okay. So 'beware' is a little harsh. Just keep an eye out for those little things that we tend to miss because we're so distracted.

Until next time.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Today's topic is imagination (imagine Spongebob making a rainbow as he says this word). Now everyone's imagination is different. It's based upon our views, our experiences, and our creativity (are we more left brained or right brained).

My younger brother, Logan, used to wander around the yard with a dowel in hand fighting imaginary foes. He was big into Lord of the Rings so I assume that those were a source of inspiration for him. Of course, considering that I haven't asked him directly, I could be wrong. I used to stand at the back window, in the the kitchen, and watch as he walked around the back yard. I wondered what was going on in his head. Well I still do, even though he doesn't wander around the yard fighting invisible people anymore.

My imagination works in a different way. As a little girl I played with Barbies. The stories I would act out usually came partly from TV and partly from the books I read. When I finally put the Barbies away I turned to writing. Ha ha. Hopefully the things I wrote will never see the light of day. Even though I kept them. I can't have people seeing what a total... sap I was. 

Now that I'm an adult I write. I like to think I'm a pretty decent writer when it comes to creative writing. When I'm working on a story I love to brainstorm. Recently, I took a temporary position cleaning for Maceys. I've had a lot of thinking time. Meaning that I've been brainstorming a lot. Being the creatively minded person that I am I find that it is easier for me to create the ideas rather than implement them. I have a hard time sitting down and just putting all my thoughts on paper. It's easier to make them in my head. 

Not that I don't enjoy writing. It's just sometimes when it comes time to write I just can't make myself do it. 

So the whole point of this was to say that everyone has different levels of imagination. I think mine is pretty deep. Oh I should point out that for those of us with intense imaginations, we tend to over-think on... everything. It's a curse.

So imagination... lets you sit in a box and drive a race car or create a whole new world for others to enjoy. The question is... how much imagination do you possess? 

Until next time.

Sunday, July 11, 2010


I was driving back to my apartment from my parents' house in Tremonton tonight when Colby Caillat came on the radio. The song, Realize, started and this really odd feeling came to my chest. It was a mixture of regret and... ignorance. I don't know what exactly this song had to do with this odd feeling but it's what was on when I felt this way.

The reason, I suppose, that I felt regret and ignorance maybe because of my lack of... experience. Sometimes the feeling comes when I just feel like I've missed out on... well relationships and social things. Now, I know I'm still young, only going on 21 but sometimes... Sometimes I feel older than I am and I feel like my life has passed me by.

When I try to discern the reason why I feel like I've missed out I can only come to one conclusion... I let myself miss out. I'm anti-social. When I try to be social I just want to go home where I'm comfortable. When I'm at home, comfortable, and alone I feel like I need to be social. It's a mighty sharp double edge sword. I hold myself back and then I sit on the sidelines of life just watching. It's like I'm in the audience watching everyone else experience things that I want to experience. Parties, kisses, hand-holding, big groups of friends going to the lake, stuff like that. The worst part about it... I can't seem to change my ways.

Maybe I just need to realize....

So I know this is a depressing post. I always say that if you never feel depressed you won't know how it is when you're happy.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

A Few of my Top Favorites: Actors

I felt like making a list. I like lists but I normally don't make them. And because I'm a complete dork and a little boy crazy today, I'm making a list of my favorite actors. Just a note- some of these actors I like are based solely on appearance.... because I'm that shallow. (And I'm allowed to be that shallow concerning actors- or so I tell myself.)

Here we go- in no particular order.

1. Ashton Kutcher. I used to not care for him because he was weird and on "That's 70s Show" he's a complete doofus. But the last few movies I've seen with him in are... let's just say turning my head. Ha ha. In fact, in his latest movie "Killers" he's downright HOT.

2. Shemar Moore. Okay so I know he's black. But he is one of the most BEAUTIFUL men I have ever laid eyes on. He just... makes me sigh. I love watching him on Criminal Minds. He's so... appealing. Anyway, I'll stop drooling and simply sat that I just love to watch him. Oh and I like the show too.

3. Mark Harmon. I absolutely love him in NCIS. He's just amazing. His character's no-nonsense attitude and quirky temperament just makes the show worth watching.

4. Robert Downey Jr. I really enjoyed his work in Iron Man 1 and 2 as well as in Sherlock Holmes. He's really hot as both the arrogant Tony Stark and as the disheveled genius- Sherlock Holmes. I have to admit that I think these are the only three movies I've seen him in... but I like him anyway.

5. David Boreanaz.Oh, what can I say about him? There are no words... well actually there are many words. I could just go on and on about how I love him as Special Agent Seeley Booth on my favorite show: Bones. I'll just say that I love him and leave it at that.

6.Tom Selleck. He may be old but the dude is still Rockin'! In "Killers" he is a hoot. As Jesse Stone he's great. As any other character he's ever played he's just AWESOME. I love Tom Selleck and I always will.

7. Sam Elliot. I like him a lot. There's something about him that just makes you think of old times and horses and westerns... maybe it's the fact that he's played in like a million Westerns. He's rugged, that's what he is. Oh and I love his voice; it's intensely masculine... oh baby.

8. John Wayne. After my awesome John Wayne Movie Marathon a few months ago, I have come to truly appreciate his awesomeness. He was extremely patriotic and he made some sweet movies. He had this ruggedness about him that just seemed to fit- especially in the Westerns. He is wicked awesome.

I'm sure there are a few that I am forgetting but I think this will do. I know that I'm a complete dork and that most of these actors aren't necessarily the best out there but they're the ones I like. For now. I figure a single girl like me is allowed to enjoy the eye-candy that is found in Hollywood.

So there you have it. Eight of my top favorite actors. I think maybe I'll try to continually list my other favorites. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Barby-Qs, Peas-in-a-can pie, and Ten gallon hats.

I haven't blogged in a while. My excuse being that I was out of the country, washing my hair. Actually I was out of state in an area where half the people don't even have wireless internet- which is a travesty. I had only two opportunities to check my email and then the super slow connect just frustrated me.
Now I'm back in good ol' Cache Valley finally getting my blog updated. I have several ideas for future posts I just need to find the time. Ever since I got back to Utah my life has been consumed with my dreaded arch-nemesis MATH. But the good news is that I will have a great rest of the week to... not do Math. Woo hoo.

Well now that I've updated my blog maybe I'll start working on those other things I feel like writing about.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Oh Guy.

I like boys. I have a tendency to fall for fictional guys but... we won't go there. If you know me, you know all about that. I also have a tendency to fall for guys at work. Not in a serious way... just crushes. So I was thinking I'd write about them. Of course, to protect their integrity and my dignity these guys will have code names.

1. I was just starting my first semester at USU and I had recently gotten a job at Maceys. I was bagging and taking items back and getting them. That's where I met THE FIRST ONE. He was older and had pretty eyes. He made my heart pound and my face flush whenever I saw him. It lasted a little while and then one day I just didn't get nervous and flustered around him.

2. Then there's THE NAZI. So he's really not a nazi but me and Makae needed some names and that's what we came up with because as a supervisor he was sort of strict. But I liked him. He too had pretty eyes and really good arms. We went out once too. That ended it. I no longer liked him... like that.

3. I should mention that while I had a crush on THE NAZI was beginning to come to like someone else. We'll call him: DUMBHEAD. Mmm... DUMBHEAD. I didn't start out liking him but... it just happened. I liked him for far too long, unfortunately. And he had the most amazing eyes. But then... I found out that he liked someone else that we worked with. That didn't stop the crush but it certainly helped me to get a reality check.

The following guys aren't guys that I had huge crushes on... more like crush-lets. Or I just thought they were attractive.

4. Unfortunately, he doesn't work at Maceys anymore. Mr. PRACTICALLY PERFECT IN EVERYWAY. He was hot. Oh man... He was beautiful and he knew it. And so did all the other girls. He had great hair and fantastic arms and he was just... good looking. He was so super nice. That's about all I have to say about him. We didn't talk a whole lot at work, I mostly just slobbered over him. Ha ha.

5. As the semester was ending I came to feel a little bit of a racing hear whenever CLARK KENT was around. I found out that he was going to be around all summer and it made me excited. And then I started to question if I was really liking him or liking the idea of him. I'm still not a hundred percent sure but he's still way cute. Brown eyes and glasses... so cute. And nice.

6. My most recent "Crush-let" is MR. YOUR DIMPLES CAUSE MY STOMACH TO FLIP-FLOP. Oh man. He's so cute and he has these super cute dimples. One day he passed me when I was on Self-checkout and flashed me this have smile. My stomach just did a flip flop and I was a goner. I don't really know what is going to happen with him... but I'm going to enjoy myself checking him out as he stocks the shelves. He has wonderful biceps.

There are, in fact, a few more guys I could mention but they aren't really the big and I'm kind of tired. So I'm going to just let it rest with these six. I think I need to find other places to meet guys though. These guys don't seem to go anywhere. Hmm... any suggestions?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Warning: Bitter Tirade about people stupidity.

I need a vacation. From work mostly. You get to a point where you can't stand being at work and you are slowly going insane. I've reached that point. So, in an effort to hopefully get all my work frustrations off my chest, I'm going to take this post and use it as an outlet.

If you don't want to read some super negative things I'd recommend not reading further. The following is a list of things that I feel people should be aware of:

1. Don't ask stupid questions. Don't come up to me at the grocery store and ask where the freezer section is. Don't ask where to find tomatoes- that should be a no-brainer: In the PRODUCE section (unless you're looking for canned tomatoes, that's a different story).

2. I'm not your slave. The people of the service industry are there to help, yes. Not to do your every bidding. Don't think you can come up to me and order me around like you own me. That just ticks me off.

3. Join the 21st century. Stop using CHECKS. This is especially vital in the grocery store, where I work, because checks are time consuming. Just get a stinkin' debit card. It's the same thing!!! And it's so much faster and easier on both parties.

4. Don't come up to me at Self checkout and expect me to do everything for you. It's called Self Checkout for a reason. If you want someone to check out your items for you go to a checkstand where they actually do that. I don't mind helping you when you need it but I'm not going to do it for you.

5. Express is called Express for a reason. It's fast. Don't come up with a cart full of items and ask if you have too much. If you have to ask then you have to much, usually.

6. When the closed sign in up and the light is off, that means the checkstand is CLOSED! No you can't come through and start putting your stuff on the belt and expect someone to automatically jump in and help you. Also, when the light is on and there are people in the line and there is no closed sign up, that's usually a sign that the checkstand is open. You don't have to ask if it's open-that's just annoying.

Okay so I've gone on my bitter tirade for long enough now. I feel a little better just getting it all out. Of course there are many more things I could whine and complain about but this is sufficient. These are just some of the things I run into as a cashier at a grocery store. I'm sure in every field of service there are similar issues.
The good news is that I am actually going on vacation soon. It'll be a nice break from work and life. Let's hope that I enjoy it as much as I hope I will.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

My Own Little Corner

My mom has a favorite musical that she enjoys watching every now and then. It's the Rodgers and Hammerstein's version of Cinderella. In this version of Cinderella there's a song called "In My Own Little Corner" that Cinderella sings just before her Fairy Godmother shows up. The song is about how Cinderella doesn't need the outside world; she's created one in her mind, in her own little corner by the fireplace. Of course, she really does need to be out in the world but due to extenuating circumstances she's unable to participate.

I was thinking about this particular song the other day and how it really relates to my own life. Even though I am involved in the outside world, unlike Cinderella, I don't really feel like I'm involved. I'm like an outsider looking in. I live on the edges of society. I'm there but not there. I have my own little corner that I've made for myself. My corner isn't necessarily a physical place; it's more of a state of mind for me.

There's a line from the song: "In my own little corner, in my own little world I can be whoever I want to be." That's my life exactly. Only who I want to be ends up in my writing. Someone who isn't me. Not that I don't like me it just... sometimes I wish I weren't so... like myself. I'm introverted and a little socially awkward.

In my own little corner I'm confident and witty and I'm not afraid to speak my mind. Maybe someday my Fairy Godmother will come and rescue me from myself, just like she did for Cinderella.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I haven't had the internet for 3 weeks. It's been rough but kind of nice. The roughest part was the whole IF I got in one of my classes because the project I turned in didn't get turned in the right way or something. So I've had to communicate with the teacher and try and get things fixed. Talk about stress. Thankfully that has been resolved as of yesterday. Yay!
The good thing is that I've been able to concentrate on reading and writing. I'm currently working on this book that I hope turns out as good as I want it to. I just need a really good suspenseful thing. Like a kind of plot the is mysterious. I don't think this is making any sense. Oh well.
I get the internet tomorrow in my apartment and I'm both excited yet a little bummed. Excited because I won't feel like I'm disconnected from the world but bummed because I'll be reconnected to the world. It's a bittersweet moment.
At least I'll be able to write more blog posts now. That's something good. Here's to being disconnected.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Private Eye

I’d worked for Spencer Ryan for almost a month before a client came to the office. I came in at 8:30 every morning and unlock the office door. Flipping on the light switch, the small room is bathed in a mixture of early morning and artificial light. The sight that greets me is very different from the stark, bare office that I first encountered. 

The furniture remained dusted and cleaned. Simple paintings hung on the beige walls and potted plants were strategically placed in the corners of the room. It’d only taken me about a week to get the office from bare to homey. Well as homey as you can make an office. 

Unfortunately, Spence doesn’t let me touch his office. His office looks as if a tornado has run through it. Or a herd of really messy cows.
 It was about 11:15 the first time that a client showed up at the office. Before the client showed up, I had spent most of my time twiddling my thumbs. There weren’t many phone calls to answer and not a lot of mail and, of  course, not clients. Thank goodness for the very new Mac that sat on my desk. I spent a good part of this first month learning how to use the new computer. I’d been raised on PCs so it was an adventure exploring this different technology.
This particular day I was writing up my letter of resignation. I’d been putting up with this lack of activity for three and half weeks and I was tired of it. I was focused on the wording of my letter when I heard the door open.

Glancing up, I was surprised to see a very pregnant woman standing in the doorway. Her bleached blonde hair was curled and hung around her neck in soft ringlets. She wore expensive maternity clothes and to my utmost surprise, she was wearing high heels. A pregnant woman wearing heels, not something you see everyday. She had a Gucci bag on her shoulder and her manicured fingers pushed the door closed behind her.

“Hello.” I said. I hadn’t ever dealt with anyone before. What was the protocol?

“How can I help you?” I asked after she ignored my greeting.

“I need to speak to Spencer Ryan.” Her clipped accent grated against my nerves.

“Okay. Let me see if he’s available.” I stood up and went to Mr. Ryan’s door. I licked my lips and straightened my spine. I knocked on the door.

“Come in.” Spence’s deep voice was muffled through the wood.

“Mr. Ryan?” I stuck my head into his cluttered office.

“How many times have I told you to call me Spence?” He asked me. I shrugged. I didn’t think it was professional to call my boss by his first name, out loud anyway.

Spence rolled his eyes at me, “What can I do for you Tessy?”

“It’s Tessa. Tess-UH.” I corrected for the umpteenth time. “And there’s a woman out here who would like to see you.”

“What’s her name?”

“Oh. Uh… I don’t know.” Why hadn’t I asked her name? Oh yeah, because I’ve never dealt with a client before.

Spence stared at me for a moment, probably wondering why he’d hired an incompetent assistant.

“Send her in.” He stated as he finished signing some papers.

I nodded, “Yes sir.” I moved the door open even further and turned to the woman who still stood in front of my desk.

“Mr. Ryan will see you now.”

The woman merely gave me a curt nod before passing me and entering the cluttered office. She closed the door behind her, making it impossible for me to hear the conversation going on inside. Darn it. Not that it was ethical for me to hear the going-ons of a Private Investigator and his client. I was just the assistant. Really just a glorified secretary.

I sat back down at my desk and resumed writing my letter. Just because one client showed up at the office didn’t mean that I was needed. The pay was pretty good, but I was going to go insane if I didn’t have something to do soon. As I finished wording my conclusion my mind wandered to when Spencer Ryan had hired me.

I was nervous for my job interview. I’d interviewed at three other places and none of them had seemed very interested. This was turning into a last resort. I showed up at an empty office and just when I thought I was going to break down and cry someone came up behind me.

Standing in the doorway, all broad shouldered and hot, was the most attractive man I had ever laid eyes on. His dark hair was tousled like he just ran his fingers through it; his square jaw was covered in dark stubble. He wore a pair of dark jeans and a dark gray tee shirt that showed off a very well built body. I’m pretty sure my mouth was hanging open like an idiot.

“Are you Tessa Holbrook?” He’d asked. Tingles filled my stomach with the sound of his deep voice.

I could only nod dumbly. He walked sat down on one of the waiting chairs and motioned for me to take the one next to him.

“I’m Spencer Ryan.”

“You’re Spencer Ryan?” I’d asked incredulously.  He seemed too attractive to be a PI. I’d been expecting an older Humphrey Bogart kind of man; someone with a receding hairline whose wife sent him with a packed lunch everyday. Not a male model.

“Yeah. So are you still interested in the job?” He asked, oblivious to my lack of coherence in his presence.

“I’m here aren’t I?” I gave a light chuckle and smiled, trying to act cool and collected.

He gave a slight smile, revealing a deep dimple in his right cheek. Tingles erupted again in my stomach. “Can you start on Monday?”

“Today’s Friday.” I reminded him. Maybe he was confused on days. Did he really want me to start right away?

“I know. So is Monday good?” He repeated, his dark brown eyes melting my knees. Good thing I was sitting down.

“O-okay.” I nodded nervously.

“Great.” He dug into his jean pocket and pulled out a single key. “Here’s the key to the office and I’ll grab the paperwork. Just fill it out and bring it back on Monday. Be here at 8:30. I like to have the office open at 9.”

I nodded, unable to speak. I took the key, which was warm from being in his pocket. I tried not to bounce my knee. This was not at all what I had expected. Where were the annoying questions about what I wanted to gain from working here? And what about my past work experience?

“Are you sure you don’t want to know about my experience in an office?” I asked hesitantly.

He chuckled a little as he stood up and looked down at me. “I’m an investigator. I know all about you.” He disappeared into an adjoining office for a few minutes and came back out with a small stack of papers in his hand. Mr. Ryan held the papers out for me to take.

“Thank you Mr. Ryan. I really appreciate this.” I stood up glad my knees hadn’t gone out on me.

“You can call me Spence.”

Sunday, May 16, 2010

I am Ironman!

It's been awhile since I've gotten on here to write. Of course that could be contributed to the fact that I don't currently have internet in my new apartment. I've tried to think of something specific that I should write... yeah, today I'm just going to babble a little bit.

Last night I got to see "Ironman 2" with my familia and it was AWESOME!!! Like it was totally a guy movie but I really enjoyed it. And I really enjoyed Robert Downey Jr. He's really doing some great roles. I loved him in Sherlock Holmes. There's something about his dark brown eyes that makes a girl melt. Or maybe I just think he's hot and I need someone to fill that empty place inside my heart. Ha ha ha ha! Just kidding. (I think).

Okay, so I've already run out of stuff to talk about. I need to cogitate (my word of the day) and come back with something actually worth reading (and writing).

Tuesday, May 4, 2010


This is just a shout out to a little girl (I guess she's about 7) named Savannah. She comes into Maceys all the time with her mom and they usually come through Self Checkout, which I'm often working. Savannah is one of the sweetest little girls ever. She is always so happy and so talkative. And she always says hi and wants to talk to me. 

Yesterday she gave me a single rose (which I'm pretty sure one of the floral dept people gave her) and I was just so surprised and touched. It's not often that I get flowers or a flower and for her to just be so willing to give me a pretty flower was just so sweet. 

Let me tell you that it definitely made my night. So here's to Savannah!

Oh by the way, the rose she gave me happens to be my favorite color of rose, as shown in the picture.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Clark Kent Effect

I debated about whether I wanted to write this post or not. Obviously I've made my decision because I'm writing it now. One of the reasons I didn't want to write this was mostly because I feel like all I do is talk about...certain subjects. Okay I talk about boys a lot! But it's my blog and I'll write about what I want!

So the topic of this discussion is boys... in glasses.

Lately I've noticed that I really like guys who wear glasses. I just think there's something so cute and adorable about a guy with glasses. Granted, not every guy looks good in glasses. But there are a good number of guys that are just so cute with their glasses on. (Like my 17 year old co-worker- yeah I know. I'm a creeper!)

I call it "The Clark Kent" effect. You know how Superman was Clark Kent by day. Clark was always a little bit cuter to me than Superman. A cute guy in a pair of nice glasses just gives me tingles (actually I don't usually get tingles but it makes me happy).

So there you have it. I know it's kind of incomplete... let's just say that it's a work in progress. One I think I'm gonna enjoy figuring out.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Ten things...

The idea of a blog is really quite narcissistic. I mean it's pretty much you talking about... well you. Yeah, I know, you can talk about other things but when you get down to the core of it... it's all about talking about yourself and your life.

So that's what I decided to do. I thought it'd be interesting to give a few little known facts about myself. So here goes:

1. I'm afraid to ride in elevators alone. I have this fear that one day it's going to break down on me and I'll be trapped alone in an elevator. And being stuck in an elevator would probably make my claustrophobia flare up and I'd probably go insane. Alone in an elevator.

2. I have to shower everyday. If I don't shower I feel disgusting and gross and usually I'm pretty crabby. So I try to shower everyday.

3. I have issues with touching people. I don't feel comfortable with people touching me unless I'm really comfortable with them.

4. Scary movies and I are not friends. Because of my over-active imagination I can't watch scary movies because it'll be in my head for awhile. And then I'll probably dream about it and have nightmares. It happens a lot. So I avoid scary movies.

5. I'm deathly afraid of needles! I was thinking the other day how I could really be a nurse or a doctor if I weren't so afraid of the needle part. They just scare the crap out of me.

6. I'm also afraid of wasps/bees. I run when they come at me. It's so scary. I don't like them at all!

7. I love shoes. But if you look at me closet I don't have very many. I guess you could say that I have really good self control when it comes to buying shoes. And I like all kinds of shoes: sneakers, heels, all kinds of them.

8. I'm more comfortable in jeans and a tee shirt than anything. I'm a casual person so I like to dress casual.

9. I'm a very cautious person. I have never broken a bone and what little scars I have are small and very inconsequential. I watched my brothers (Josh specifically) getting into scrapes and I just didn't like the pain or the yuckiness of wounds.

10. I can read about romance. I can watch it on TV and in movies. But I cannot stand seeing public displays of affection in real life. It's positively vomitatious.

So there are just some little known facts about me. Well maybe you know more about them than I realize but I don't really care.