I have confidence in confidence alone!

If you're an awesome person, you can see Maria, from The Sound of Music, running down the dirt street just outside the Von Trapp house with her guitar and carpet bag. She's belting this song out in an attempt to build up her courage. It's a very poignant moment if you ask me. I mean, here is this young almost-nun out of the abbey for the first time to take care of seven young children. She young and scared. (I totally know how she feels.) By the way, if you didn't have this scene pop up in your head then maybe you're not that awesome of a person...  Just something to think about.

Okay, despite the title, I really don't have confidence. These last couple of weeks I've had several people tell me that I need to have confidence in myself. Well here it is: I don't have confidence in myself. I struggle to ever pretend that  I have confidence. I mean, how does one go about gaining confidence anyway.

My mom (who is awesome and wonderful and smarter than she thinks) told me, after I had a minor melt down over a new technical writing job, that I should have confidence in myself and my writing skill. In the midst of my breakdown, which in comes in the form of tears and sobbing and messiness, I admitted that I don't have confidence. She told me that I got that from her. Uh, I didn't know lacking confidence was hereditary but okay, whatev. 

I never realized how scary real life is. And how hard it is. I have this project and I just can't seem to make any headway on it. I don't know if it's the subject matter or the actually requirements but it is really hard for me. I try to focus and do what I need to but it doesn't seem to be effective. Maybe, in school, I've gotten so used to just sliding by and now I don't know how to do real, good work. 

Maybe I'm just not that great of a writer. See? I think I'm the one that makes me not have confidence. I second guess everything that I do. I second guess what other people might think or say. I second guess life. Thus, the lack of confidence.

How do I make it in the real world? How do I be an adult? How do I get rid of this sinking feeling in my gut every time I work on this project? Anyone have any answers for me?

"Thanks for the gum"

Earlier today I was researching (reading a blog I absolutely love) when I stumbled upon something that I had forgotten. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a huge Bones fan. Something was mentioned about an episode in the third season where Booth and Brennan kiss. After the kiss, the pair is rather... befuddle (probably from the rather intimate kiss they just shared). As they both stumble away Booth pulls out a piece of  gum that he didn't originally have in his mouth... if you get my meaning. He mumbles "Thanks for the gum." and then walks away.

This is where I'm going with this. Someday, I want to be kissed like that. Kissed so good  that I can say "thanks for the gum". I guess that's my SQUEE moment of the day; a kiss so good that I'm stunned by how stunned I am when we pull apart.

From daydreams to fiction

I drove home from my parents' house last night, just singing along with the radio, minding my own business. Suddenly, I started to daydream. I daydream all the time (at school, work, driving, and at home). My mind wandered back to earlier in the day. I saw a guy that I grew up with that's been gone for two years. Oh boy! He has grown up into something else. Very attractive (Sigh) All he did was say hi to me and go on his merry way. For some reason, those two words "Hi Nikki" (Side note: he calls me Nikki because that's what I was called when I was growing up.) spurred up the oddest sensation in my stomach. I took a deep breath to shake it off.

Well, a little over an hour later I see him again. Once again, "Hi Nikki" and my hands start shaking. I say hi and then bye as I try to pretend that he doesn't affect me. I hurry away, too bent on getting away before I do something stupid and try to flirt with him. I get home and I look down. My hands are shaking and I have weird knots in my stomach. I know this reaction. I get this reaction when I'm attracted to a guy but I'm simultaneously scared that he knows I'm attracted to him. When I was a teenager, and completely scared of boys, I used to get this reaction around just about any guy I wasn't related to.

Back to driving home, I start to daydream about the what ifs that fill up life. What if he can tell that I'm attracted to him? What if he suddenly (by some random miracle) finds me attractive now that we're grown up? What if... Suddenly, as if on autopilot, I switch the what ifs and the images of him asking me out to a current piece of fiction I'm working on. Now my characters are living out my daydreams. The main character is now me and the guy in the story is this guy. They get to live out life while I daydream about it.

My realization as I drove home is this: In order to protect myself from disappointment I project my daydreams into fiction. That way, my extremely unrealistic daydreams get life somewhere and I don't have to feel the sting of hurt and disappointment when someone doesn't act that way I hope they will. I'm not sure if this is really healthy or not but at this point I don't feel like I have much of a choice. I think it's safe to say that my daydreams will most likely end up in my stories. So if you want to know what's going on in my head... read my stories.

I can't pretend though I tried to hide, I like you...

You know that feeling where your breath catches in your chest and your heart starts to pick up tempo? Suddenly your cheeks start to feel overheated but you're not sure if you're blushing or not. All rational thought leaves your brain and any attempts to be witty are lost in your stuttering.

Even now the thought makes my breath catch in my chest. How do you deal when you have a crush? Specially with someone you may or may not work with? The nervousness that comes out of nowhere. Weeks ago, just seeing him wouldn't have done anything. Now, the mere sight of him causes reactions that I try to hide.

Now, whenever I walk into [a place] I can't help but look around. Is he here? Then I catch sight and a flutter of butterflies in my stomach stir up. I try to pretend that I haven't seen him, that I haven't been looking for him. I swallow down the joy that leaps within me. Just seeing him makes me happy, fills me with gladness. Then I scold myself. What am I thinking? We barely know each other. He doesn't care.

Then he talks to me. I try to hide it again by being casual. Cool. I smile at his story. Make a little comment. All the while my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking, and my breathing is hitched. How can I keep it hidden? Every time he's near me it comes back. How do I act naturally around him? How do I keep it a secret from him and the rest of the world?

And then I wonder... does he think of me the way I think of him? Does he even realize that I exist? Is he as aware of me as I am of him? When I accidentally find myself watching for him and I catch his eye, what is he thinking? Am I completely nuts? Am I a stalker?

Suddenly I feel like I'm in Taylor Swift song. She does have a way of describing the feelings and process so it sounds catchier than it is. I guess, after my ranting and confusion, I'll leave with this from Colbie Caillat:

I think my heart skipped a beat. I'm standing here and I can hardly breathe. You got me. Yeah, you got me.

The approach of fall

I like it hot! I like to know that I don't have to put on a jacket as soon as I get out of bed. I like to know that the only time I'm going to be cold is in the freezer section of Maceys.

Unfortunately for me, I live in Northern Utah. It's only hot for like a month and then it starts going downhill and I start freezing. I'm that kind of person that ends up wearing a jacket for most of the year. Which accounts for the fact that my poor Aeropostale hoodie is barely hanging on by a thread. Maybe I should consider a couple of jackets; that way I can rotate them and then they won't end up in such a sad state.

Anyway, the sad state of my hoodie is not the point of this post. The point is that the "approach" of "fall" is really not very fun. For me anyway. I have nothing against fall. I kind of like it. It creates nostalgia in me... in a good way. Makes me think of being a little kid again, walking home from school and kicking leaves as I walk. Ah, good times.

I just don't "appreciate" how rapidly it has come upon us. One minute it was in the 80s and the next thing I know I'm freezing as I walk out into the afternoon. I hate going outside in the afternoon and not feeling the warmth of the sun graze my skin (which is hidden by my hoodie because it's cold).

So, winter is approaching. Guess it's time to accept that warm days are over and begin preparing for winter. Wish me luck.

Fiction: My life

I have a vast imagination. Sometimes my imagination gets in the way of real life. Who am I kidding?  I don't feel like a have much of a life. I go to school and work. Occasionally I hang out with a couple of friends or with roommates. I'm just not very... lifey.

Sometimes, sometimes I wish my life was more like fiction. Like a book or a movie. One where I'm living my normal life and then WHAM! Suddenly something happens and my life is thrown into some kind of whirlwind. An adventure or an unexpected (but good) event happens. I go through a storyline and then it's happy ending for me.

Unfortunately, life doesn't happen like that. I'm stuck living out a different, more adventurous, more exciting life in my head. I don't have the personality to make adventure. I let other people have adventure. I am merely a spectator.

So my life isn't fiction. Far from it. It's very ordinary. Very dull. Very predictable. I think that's why I write. I write to bring adventure and fiction and unexpectedness into my life. Maybe someday I'll bring it to someone else's life too, if I can ever finish and maybe publish a book.

Maybe someday....