Realize

I was driving back to my apartment from my parents' house in Tremonton tonight when Colby Caillat came on the radio. The song, Realize, started and this really odd feeling came to my chest. It was a mixture of regret and... ignorance. I don't know what exactly this song had to do with this odd feeling but it's what was on when I felt this way.

The reason, I suppose, that I felt regret and ignorance maybe because of my lack of... experience. Sometimes the feeling comes when I just feel like I've missed out on... well relationships and social things. Now, I know I'm still young, only going on 21 but sometimes... Sometimes I feel older than I am and I feel like my life has passed me by.

When I try to discern the reason why I feel like I've missed out I can only come to one conclusion... I let myself miss out. I'm anti-social. When I try to be social I just want to go home where I'm comfortable. When I'm at home, comfortable, and alone I feel like I need to be social. It's a mighty sharp double edge sword. I hold myself back and then I sit on the sidelines of life just watching. It's like I'm in the audience watching everyone else experience things that I want to experience. Parties, kisses, hand-holding, big groups of friends going to the lake, stuff like that. The worst part about it... I can't seem to change my ways.

Maybe I just need to realize....

So I know this is a depressing post. I always say that if you never feel depressed you won't know how it is when you're happy.